Irreconcilable Differences (Part 1)

Divorce. A word that should strike fear into any heart, but has become so commonplace that it has almost no impact in society. It has become a mere statistic.

In my daily goings-on I have been confronted by the effects of divorce no less than five times this week alone. I must admit that I am guilty of a certain hardness toward the term, but upon reflection found my heart aching for those involved.

In my last post I talked about the lie that sin always tells. The lie that something other than God is needed. However, it is precisely God that is needed in all things, and especially in the realm of marriage and divorce. Here it is necessary to lay a couple of foundational principles, though in no wise do I intend for this to be an exhaustive study.

First, Genesis chapters 1-2 tell us that God created the man and woman and instituted marriage. He blessed them, told them they were one flesh, and instructed them to cleave to one another. Later we see in the Levitical Law a prohibition against divorce. Jesus, in answering the Pharisees challenge upholds God's righteous standard for marriage (with the provision for divorce being made only for the jilted spouse who has been cheated on). Later, Paul under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit advises that if an unbelieving (non-Christian) spouse leaves (the marriage), let them go. So clearly, God created marriage, expected it to be life-long, but in His mercy allowed for divorce in two extreme cases.

So why does divorce happen? Specifics are limitless, I imagine, but I want to explore a few overarching principles.

1)Failure to recognize and take seriously the permanence of the marriage relationship as outlined above. God made marriage and expects you keep your promise to Him and to your spouse, "'Til death do us part." (Side-note: modern day revisions of wedding vows do not exempt from God's reckoning of marriage as permanent).

2)Unfaithfulness. God forbids adultery in the 7th commandment and even coveting what belongs to your neighbor (note wife on the list). So don't touch her (7th), and don't even think about touching her (10th) (Exodus 20). In addition, Jesus says in Matthew 5 that if a man looks lustfully at a woman, he has committed adultery in his heart. In Proverbs we have a disdainful look at the adulterous woman (she is loud and defiant and her feet never stay at home). And, that chapter states that the one who goes to her is simple (dull, stupid) and lacks understanding. Elsewhere, we are instructed to be satisfied with the physical love of the wife of our youth. And throughout the prophets God calls Israel's spiritual adultery "dealing treacherously with God." Before I move on from here, let me say this... Men: if you are looking at pornography, you are heading toward destruction. Ladies: If you are reading trashy romance novels, watching soap operas, and pining for some false sense of romance you are headed for destruction. And to all: if you are entertaining any kind of intimate emotional relationship with anyone not your spouse, destruction is at your doorstep. The only hope is to repent, break off all unfaithful activities, confess your sins one to another, seek biblical counseling from a trained Pastor, and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. This assumes, of course, that I am speaking to a true follower of Jesus Christ. If not, the remedy is the same, but must begin with repentance from your rebellion against God and submission to Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior for the forgiveness of your sins. (I will post more about that at another time-- or you can email me for further clarification).

3) Mean/Harshness-- Men, we are instructed to live with our wives in an understanding way. We are commanded to love them the way Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us. We have a beautiful description of what love is in I Corinthians 13. We are commanded to let our speech be seasoned with grace according to the need of the moment for the building up of the hearer. Further, in Galatians, we have the fruits of Spirit outlined for us. These are characteristics we should be demonstrating if we are indeed followers of Christ. Often, people begin to take each other for granted. They get self-focused, rejecting the command to let each esteem others better than themselves. Instead of patience and graceful speech, we demand our way and verbally accost our spouses for anything we deem a breech of our plans/expectations/needs. Christians, we need to repent of harshness, sarcasm, complacency, anger, mean-spiritedness, and the like. Men, as the leader in the home you need to be setting the example and the overall tone in the home. One final word, these types of behaviors, while painful to be sure, are not grounds for the "victim" to violate principles one and two above.

4)Money- The love of money is the root of all sorts of evil. Those who desire to get rich pierce themselves with many a pang. Love of money can come in many forms. It could be the desire to get rich... the workaholic who is constantly putting his/her family at the bottom of the priorities list so he/she can "get ahead" at work. It could be enjoying spending money too much. An unhealthy focus on things that leads to overspending and heavy debt loads. Eventually, the things break, wear-out, get boring, and never actually satisfy. Eventually, the banks who will say yes to more credit cards run out and all that is left is stuff you don't need or even want anymore; along with a whole lot of debt, resentment, and stress under the debt load. Proverbs warns us not to wear ourselves out to get rich, but to have the wisdom to show restraint. (Note: Proverbs is also replete with prohibitions against laziness. Paul affirms in the New Testament: If a man will not work, let him not eat). Further, Jesus taught us to pray that God would give us this day our daily bread...just enough for now. Further, the Bible is full of examples of how we are expected to share with others to meet their physical needs if we do find ourselves having more than enough. Paul says that he has learned the secret to having much or having little. Finally, he tells us that godliness with contentment is great gain. So, men and women: stop making money your love. Give your love to God (the greatest commandment) and let that love spill over into your love for your spouse.

I conclude with this. Divorce is the result of at least one of the marriage partners violating at least one of the above mentioned of God's principles. The key to strong marriages is a strong relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and a strong commitment to His commands. If this is lacking in your marriage, there is hope. Turn to Christ. Pray that He will forgive you for your sins and grant you strength to obey Him. You cannot force your spouse to comply with God's Word, but you can pray for him or her. And who knows, "By your godly conduct you may win your spouse" to the Lord (faith in Jesus).

I have more to say in the next post.